Thursday, March 28, 2013

A long way to go.......Will I ever get there?

Time to reflect...I have come so far in the last few months yet I feel a million miles away from where I want to be in life. My future seems to be in the hands of everyone else now and that doesn't fill me with much confidence at all. 

I have done all I can at this moment. I'm still sat waiting, still sat here lost within myself, knowing I can do nothing, knowing that on the first inspection it appears I have nothing, that I have left everything behind. Yet everything I own is tied up in the hands of someone else with no quick means of releasing it.  Living with the bear necessaties of life and wanting, needing and hoping for so much more. 

Everyone, I'm sure, thinks I am selfish for making a huge decission to change my life so drastically but do they really see why? Do they see it was for the benefit of my girlies and myself?

 Why does it matter what people think? Will their attitudes change when I get where I want to be? People fast forget the huge progress you have made when there is a low point in your life. You truely do find out who is important to you within your family and network of friends when you hit rock bottom. Thankfully I have some fantastic friends helping me through this yet some people close by have surprised me.......well no, not surprised me as I should have known better.  The problem being, my rock bottom wasn't caused by me, my methods of sorting out the situation and changing our lives were my decission but I still see and maintain I had no other option. 

When I look back I have allowed other people to dictate my life to me. Although I was probably in a situation which on the surface appeared great to other people, I know I have actually only had about 12 months in 11 years which were truely happy. 

All I have ever tried to do is find happiness, find some calm for myself and my girlies. Why does that bother some people? Why do people make me feel I have to explain myself and my actions? I don't question other peoples lives, everyone lives how they want to, weather they are happy with their lives or not, their lives are their lives, they control them and they are nothing to do with me so why is my life open to discussion?

The future scares me enormously now, waiting fills me with dread, hoping for more seems useless now, not being in control of the situation is terrifing to me. I have a plan yet can't enforce it. I can't allow mysef to wish for things as I can't bear the knock back of dissapointment that it brings. 

All I can do is sit and wait. Sit and hope. Have faith that someone somewhere who knows my life path, knows where they are taking me and guides me there sooner rather than later........please! 


1 comment:

  1. please don't give your power away to the great unknown. Of course we don't completely what is ahead. but you have made some very empowering decisions lately, although other people may not understand. No one else knows what you were living through. You do have the power to make decisions on a moment by moment case for what is right for you and your family. It's honouring that now you have made some huge ones. It takes time to settle after the big ones! Keep doing nice things for your self! have a nice easter, Heather x